Mixing Sleep Paralysis With Reality

Just woke up from a nap that turned into sleep paralysis. Omg, I don't think I've ever felt so damn confused until today. The previous one made sense, but this one? It almost convinced me magic was actually real.

I was in a bedroom that looked familiar, and it felt like home. It didn't look like my current bedroom, my mom's guest room, or my old bedroom (which is near my high school,) but it was mine. I relaxed in my full sized bed; next to me, a lady laid with me. She looked very much like my childhood best friend, but I knew it couldn't be her. We're estranged now. This lady and I talked a little bit, like we're BFFs.

After a while, her brother entered. He looked rather young with milk chocolate skin and an afro; he reminded me of my cousin Danté, but I knew it couldn't be him. His voice was quieter, an alto almost. He held a medium sized envelope. He gave it to me and crawled onto the bed between me and his sister.

I opened it and found a huge flip page calendar and a checkbook the size of my fist. It made me remember of a mall visit I did with someone; I think my dad. Someone I cherished. During that mall visit, I had walked outside and noticed some booths. You know, those booths that normally try to sell scams. This booth was different, though. It looked ... genuine, but the two girls behind it seemed confused. Almost like they didn't want to be there. So I decided to approach. I asked what they did. They explained that they worked for a business that accepted all sorts of donations: toys, equipment too old to use, clothes, furniture, music, etc. With those donations, they distributed around the world to people in need of them.

While they explained, I explored what was on their table: calendars, checkbooks the size of your fist (width and height,) crayons, keychains, kazoos, unfilled balloons, and forms to write upon. It had me curious, so I decided to help out. I filled the form to be a volunteer and a recipient. Afterword, I explored the calendar, and I was in awe.

It was a galaxy calendar. Folded out, the length of it covered the table. The width happened to be at least a foot, maybe more. Each page had a different design and - activities? It didn't look like a calendar at all. It was like a kid's activity book. There was one flip that actually looked like the galaxy, but the both halves had lines; like it could be used a journal entry. I narrowed my brows and asked the girls about this. They said I could write a letter or a note to whoever would receive the activity book. I felt moved, so I did.

I wrote: "whoever you are, you don't always need someone or something to make you happy. Happiness is something that makes you feel warm, safe, and kept in your heart. No one can take it away from you, not without your approval. If they did, show them in ways that you stronger without them. Getting mad or crying won't change things. Be brave to change the things that you can, accept the things you cannot change, and have the wisdom to know the difference. This happens to be similar to the Alcoholics Anonymous anthem. When I fist learned the anthem from a friend, it changed my life. I hope it does with you. I may not ever get to meet you, but if we do, just know that I will always be someone you can count on when the moment is wanted/needed. Signed, Allison D'Agostino"

After that, I drew little hearts around the pages. The ones I normally use for the "i" in my signature. I closed the book and handed it to the girls.

When I saw that activity book in my hands, in my bedroom, I couldn't help but remember that day. So I told the brother and sister about that day. They smiled at me and said they were grateful to know me. My heart swelled with love and pride. I opened the book and rifled through the pages. When I came to lined pages of the galaxy, my heart stopped.

There was a note. It wasn't just any note. I recognized the handwriting. It was mine. I read what I had written, which restored the confidence I had lost since the mall visit. But then I noticed something odd. 

There was a small note at the bottom, to the right of my letter. It read "you have every right to believe her words. Because it helped change my life. Signed, Becky" I observed the remaining parts of the galaxy pages and found another note on the top right. "Never change who you are. The world deserves every ounce of what makes you unique. Signed, Avery"

Tears blurred my eyes. Reading those notes made me realize something. They didn't just send the book to kids who needed. They sent it back to me, so that they could show me that words have influence. That I changed lives for multiple people. But the company did something more. Sending this back to me helped me remember who I am. Who I was always meant to be and never lost it.

My heart hurt so much then. Not because of a panic attack; it was filled with so much love, so much warmth, and confidence. In that moment, mom entered the room. I dropped the book out of shock and lost the page.

My friend's brothers scooched to the end of the bed. Mom tried to lay next to us, despite how big and wide she is. The four of us laughed. The checkbook had slipped off the bed. The book barely peeked from under her. I managed to pull it out and show mom the pages, but I could not find the galaxy page that I wanted to show her. It was as if it never existed.

It was then that I heard the trilling of an alarm from my cell phone, telling me to wake up. The alarm brought me back to reality, to my apartment, but I couldn't move. Only enough to turn the alarm off. I could at least move one of my arms. I struggled to wiggle my body. And somehow I found a small metal chain. I looked at it and saw how some of the balls on that chain looked painted, like the Milky Way. I had forgotten that the book had an attached chain for the cover binding.

I could hear my bathroom toilet flushing, which it often did at the most random times, but it made me think that someone was here. I strained my ears to hear everything else. The constant hum from the heater. The ringing in my ears. The silence that filled my apartment. And there it was. The door opened; footsteps approaching the room, but I saw no one. I called out.

"Mom, is that you?" No sound. I heard the toilet gurgle again. I turned my head to the bathroom, which was to the immediate right of me. No one, but for some reason, I could hear the faucet to the sink turn on. I could hear the soft talks of my mom's voice, but not what she was saying. The toilet gurgled again. Then I actually heard my apartment door open. The footsteps were louder. "Hello?" I heard a loud response, but couldn't figure out what they said.

My heart raced. My mind acknowledged the similar situation of my last sleep paralysis. I realized I needed to wake up. I struggled to move the comforter, but couldn't. I forced my eyes to look at the ground next to my bed. My heart stopped. The galaxy book was sitting right there, next to grandma's foot stool.

"It couldn't be," I thought. I forced my other hand to grab it. Just touch it. But the instinct of my brain kept saying "no, this isn't real." And each time I reached, my sight kept zooming in and out - as if a director was giving bad camera directions.

Then something snapped. I don't know what it was. Maybe the fact my brain refused the dream; it didn't want to acknowledge magic was real. That the book was real. That my trip to the mall was real. The last thing I remembered before the snap was one simple thought in my brain. "I can't."

Ever since I snapped awake, I keep observing my apartment. My heart is breaking. I want magic to be real. I want that memory to be real. I want the comfort of my mom, telling me someday that I'll get that magic, that happiness. It breaks my heart that my subconscious is saying "I can't accept magic," even though my heart does. I don't know what to do.

Update: I have been listening to a lot of fictional dramas on YouTube. And am getting slightly obsessed on them. So I'm not surprised it managed to slip into my sleep paralysis.